I’ve noticed over the years that there is a rising number of people coming out and speaking about cutting ties with narcissists whether they were friends, romantic relationships, or relatives.
One of the things I don’t see talked about very often is the grief that can come with cutting those ties. Not a grief that misses the manipulation and/or abuse of the narcissist but a grief that comes from the loss of what should have been, or even from what you thought it was originally.
When we were a newly growing family we made the decision to cut ties with my side of the family, which was very much needed. At the time it wasn’t a difficult decision as their true colors were showing at a much faster rate than anyone might expect once I became pregnant. Cutting ties seemed freeing and a bit odd at first. These were all people I had loved and tried to be close to my entire life – but that love and all the effort I put in for decades, was one-sided.
I was both angry and hurt after I finally started seeing the truth, how they really felt about me and what they thought of me, which was all skewed through their corrupt lense. I thought I hated them and my wounds would eventually stop hurting if I could just push it all out (or down) and hold on to that hate but holding on to it didn’t help, it only added to the loneliness I felt. Deep down I still desperately wanted to have relatives that loved me, that cared for who I was; who I was becoming. I wanted grandparents for my children that would love and cherish them. I wanted great-grandparents to be proud of my little family that was just starting. Unfortunately experience had taught me they would only tear us and my children down and we would always be second rate.
I’ve tried over the years to forgive them, not only because I know I needed to for my own sake but also I hoped it would take away some of the sorrow I felt in my heart; that gaping wound that was left behind from a child whose parents didn’t know how to love. Forgiving them did not take away that pain I felt no matter how many times I tried to forgive. I eventually figured there was something I was missing concerning it and I prayed and left it to the Lord. I knew He would bring up what it was when it was time for me to understand, which is something that has taken me awhile to learn.
One of the last times I prayed and asked the Lord if my mother ever loved me I finally got my answer; she was incapable. She didn’t know how to love because she had not been properly loved herself. That hurt on two different levels – the first that she had not known love growing up herself and the second that I was not loved because of that.
I have tried and tried to forgive my mother for not loving me, as in the past I have forgiven others and felt all that came with the unforgiveness seemingly melt away, but I didn’t feel any relief. I still had feelings I didn’t know how to process regarding her. Similarly I have forgiven my dad for never being active in my life, except to talk about himself or tear me down. There was no good deed or accomplishment safe from his negative criticism but plenty of boasting of his own good deeds. He was always willing to bend over backwards for others, outside of the family, and I never understood why until I was older: it was all about how it made him look to outsiders. I realized a long time ago he didn’t know love, much sooner than I realized it about my mom. He raised us in Baptist churches where we had to show up and be involved in almost everything – because it reflected on him and what he thinks is biblical leadership. It was all a show, however, and the truth is that he’s not really a Christian. Neither of my parents are. They know how to talk like they are, it’s how they were raised, but I believe it’s evident by the way they live that they have truly never really experienced God’s love — or more accurately they have never accepted it. It’s a sad thing to see and it took me years to finally be open and to have enough understanding to accept being a child of God – to accept His love.
When the way you were treated as a child is called love but isn’t, it’s hard to understand what love really is. One of the ways the Lord has worked on opening my understanding of how He loves me is through the love I have for my own children. If I had not had them I think it would have been much harder to comprehend. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t believe that others won’t understand for themselves until they have kids, I’m speaking from my own experience and from where I’ve come from.
Growing up in church I had heard all about God’s love for everyone but I always felt that was talking about everyone but me. You don’t feel worthy of love when you haven’t been shown it from the start.
As I got older I rededicated my life to Christ and realized I still didn’t feel loved. I also realized you can read what the Bible says all day long about God’s love but it won’t bring you into the understanding of it – that’s something He will bring you into Himself, when you’re ready to understand. It took me thirteen years to understand after rededicating my life to Him, not including all the years I was in church in my youth, but then I’ve had a lot of things done in my life that have needed to be undone and healed. And I will say this about it, don’t give up, keeping pushing forward in your relationship with Christ and He will lead you there. It’s worth the wait.
When it comes to dealing with those who have hurt you, once you have forgiven them and time helps take away some of your anger, you might start to feel depressed. It might seem odd to feel depressed after freeing yourself and your life from people that hurt you, and would continue to hurt you if you stayed, but it will come. It might take years to come out, like mine did, or maybe it will be not long after you finally say, “enough is enough.”
That depression is not because you haven’t fully forgiven them or because of any anger; that depression is actually grief.
In my case it’s grief that came with the subconscious realization that what should have been a loving relationship between a mother and daughter would never exist. Grief that the hopes and dreams of having a close knit relationship with my mom were dying. The hope I held on to in my heart to be loved and accepted by my parents, since I was a little child, was dead. Every time I would see a mother and daughter with a loving, close relationship I felt like I had gotten stabbed in the heart again.
I didn’t know I needed to grieve those things, not until very recently.
I’ve let go of the hatred I had. I was angry for realizing how betrayed I had been, especially as a child. I was angry for what I was never given from my earthly parents, especially those who claim to know the love of God (but don’t). Most of all I was brokenhearted. I’ve been brokenhearted for most of my life and I am honestly thankful to be in the hands of my Savior, the One True Healer. Even when I didn’t feel His love I made the choice to choose Him regardless – and it was the right choice. He doesn’t want me to hurt and He is helping me heal. He’s helping me feel loved. He doesn’t want any of us to hurt and He will heal you too if you seek Him.
Don’t give up – and allow yourself to grieve. It’s okay to miss the ones you loved, even if they hurt you, especially if they’re all you’ve known. It’s okay to miss the love you had for them and the way you viewed them before the truth came out. Coming to the truth is the most important thing, especially concerning abuse. It’s important to get away from those hurting you but it’s okay to feel sad that you had to cut them off. It’s okay to be sad that what or who you cut off was never going to be what you needed.
My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever.
Psalms 73:26
The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.
Psalms 34:18
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.
Matthew 5:4
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